I know, I know, it’s been a while!
And truth be told, I still don’t know what to say, but I thought I’d better get to saying it anyway.
I am not the girl I was when I started this writing endeavor several years ago. I think I may not be a girl at all, anymore. Somewhere in the 1,000 or so dark days of my not writing here, my not peeking out from dwelling place/prison of my little fox hole, I grew a lot of muscle where none had been before. I don’t mean that in a lovely metaphorical way— mostly it felt like I gained muscle in the way people do when they are on a forced death march, and although they are starving and weary in their soul, their traitor leg muscles just keep getting stronger, nonetheless.
I can now say that I can and will do anything to take care of my son, to hold our little family not just together, but in a state that fosters growth, security, and ever deepening love, no matter what behind-the-scenes work or deeds I have to do to keep us there. I know now that if, as a woman, I am utterly alone to my last day, I can find ample comfort and joy in that space; more than enough to make the time spent worth while.
Basically what I have been distilled down to in this time that I have not been talking with all of you, is the foundational reality that I have nothing left to fear, because I have very little left to lose; and what blows I face, I have born already, and thus know I can always bear. I’m going to be honest, I’d have picked a more pleasant path— but this hard little kernel of truth is possibly the most valuable seed in the world, so… I’ll take it. Yes, parts of my heart are downright sinewy with their newfound strength. If my heart wore a racerback tank top to show you all the shape it’s gained, you’d think my heart is super hot.
As I sit here this rainy morning, coming out of that years-long torrent of loss, grief, betrayal, and heartbreak that to me is the definition of that hateful word ‘divorce,’ I wonder about the rest of you. What your cracks and high points have been in these years. What lessons you’ve learned, which muscles you’ve gained. Have you out there had to rewrite your whole selves? Redefine everything that you are in this world, and how you should be living in it? I’m guessing you have, because I’m guessing that is a function of time, and not only the time at my house, but in yours too. I am curious about your journies.
Five or so years ago, I started this blog, with my husband, and little baby Solace growing like a little sprouted seed in my womb. We were living in a ramshackle 100 year old former schoolhouse, building chicken shacks and our own furniture and our little life together, and I wanted to share with everyone what a life could look like with nothing but love and determination to fuel the journey. I knew it was going to be amazing. And for a while, it was!
Three or so years ago, I was in a much fancier house in a fancier place, hitting my head on our fancy wood floors as I sobbed in grief at the rip in our world and our little family, that left me and Solace on one side, and my husband and our extended friends and family on the other. I didn’t know how I would survive— where we would live, how I would work and find child care, how I would be able to go on with no people anywhere to be our love and support. I had to know too that likely I would have no more children, likely Solace had lost his chance at siblings or ever knowing what it was to live in a whole, loving secure family, and I had lost my chance to know what that was like too. I felt humiliated into the dust by mistresses and abruptly ended friendships at every turn, and I could not imagine any life outside of that level of intense distress. And yes, my son watched me writhe in that. You’re welcome for my lack of writing during that time!
This morning, I am in a new home yet again. I bought it! A home of my own was something I never ever thought I could have in my life. I just believed it was beyond my reach, and I rarely even dared to dream of it. Inexplicably, a bank agreed to give me a loan, and a house opened up that I just loved, in exactly the neighborhood I wanted to live in. And so… I just bought it! Just like that! I mean not exactly just like that, I actually had to sell my car for the down payment, max out every credit card and even empty my change jars to make it happen, and am currently a little terrified about anything money related. But as you read earlier, it turns out I’m super strong and I can do just about anything. I am sitting in my 95 year old bungalow, writing this piece about my life on the red desk I bought myself 3 years ago when my husband left, to do my writing on. And yes, today is day one of that writing. It’s just been starting at me with its red lacquered gaze for all the rest of this time. My writing desk and I sit in what is technically the walk-in closet attached to my very own (as in I OWN it) bedroom, which is indeed functioning as a closet, but it is so big that the closet part only takes up about a fifth of the space, so the rest of the room is dedicated to my prayer alter, and my awesome desk. And because I refuse to live without sunlight everywhere, this room has a huge old window, which my red desk faces. I call this side of the room my wonder wall :). As I write this, I am watching the squirrels outside at my neighbors house, scavenging and bouncing through the orange and gold fall leaves, completely unconcerned with gravity or oncoming cars.
Out of necessity, I have created my business, Lewd Linens, which has grown with such grace and natural timing that it never ceases to be a source of joy for me and for my many wonderful customers, as well as something that increasingly helps support our family. I am currently in the processes of acquiring new equipment that will allow Lewd Linens to start wholesaling this year, as well as developing a wedding line, a web-series, and a new app. All of which I can’t wait to share with you, while I’m over here burning the candle at both ends!
My son is basically the most magical creature ever born, and I equally love the acts of rejoicing in his amazingness, and doing the hard parenting with him when he bumps into the things with which he struggles. For those of you who are only interested in the ongoing saga of his fabulous hair, it is now down to his butt, has had one small cut, and looks great in a man-bun, though he does not care. Quote from Solace getting ready for school Friday morning: “I like freedom! Don’t put it up in a man-bun!”.
My heart is honestly still pretty sore, and I often feel like a baby deer just getting the hang of ground and grass and legs, but here I am anyway, and life is going on, and I am growing with it, and so is Solace, and so are yall, and I’m glad we’re all in this together, even if sometimes, it’s only through words on a page.
Oh, and I built my own furniture in this house.
